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February 14, 2004

Zell Miller Uncovers Far Left Conspiracy

In a speech entitled "A Deficit of Decency,"* (speech also available on Miller's website) Georgia Senator Zell Miller exposed a far-reaching left-wing conspiracy to deprive American citizens of decent moral beliefs and traditional family values. Miller accurately diagnosed the process by which the left wing has managed to eliminate Christian teachings from the United States, endangering the many thousands of churches that dot cities and towns across the country, noting that the United States faced a "famine" of Christian teachings after courts forced the removal of the Ten Commandments from state courthouses and destroyed countless heterosexual marraiges by allowing for people of the same gender to marry.

More damaging to the far-left cause: Senator Miller identified the left-wing attempts to take over the minds of innocent citizens during this year's Super Bowl halftime show. Miller observed in his speech that

The culture of far left America was displayed in a startling way during the Super Bowl's now infamous half-time show. A show brought to us courtesy of Value-Les Moonves and the pagan temple of Viacom-Babylon.
Yes, the same Viacom that has owned Blockbuster Video for over a decade. According to reports, Blockbuster is merely a conservative front designed to mask left-wing corruption. The same Viacom that owns CBS, who refused to air an advertisement by the liberal grassroots organization, MoveOn.org. CBS's decision is now believed to be another move designed to obfuscate the left-wing conspiracy against traditional values.

After broadly describing the secret "crotch-grabbing culture," Miller also exposed one of the chief leftist agents of the culture wars, Comrade Kid Rock, whose raunchy songs celebrating strip clubs actually demonstrate a strong message of feminist empowerment. However, Miller's diligence exposed Rock's danger to the United States:

But as bad as all this was, the thing that yanked my chain the hardest was seeing that ignoramus with his pointed head stuck up through a hole he had cut in the flag of the United States of America, screaming about having "a bottle of scotch and watching lots of crotch." Think about that.
Such images require quick and decisive action, and Miller and some of his colleagues in Congress have acted, promoting a broad range of bills designed to protect marriage and to protect the right of the goverment to impose Christian doctrine by placing replicas of the Ten Commandments in courtrooms. It is hoped that by preventing gay marriage, female rock musicians will no longer be tempted to reveal their "mammary glands" on national television. FCC chairman Michael Powell took a break from deregulating the US media to support Miller's contentions, commenting "I personally was offended by the entire production." Powell quickly added that further deregulation of the media, allowing Viacom to own an even larger chunk of the media pie, seemed like punishment enough for airing such offensive material.

Miller concluded by addressing the much discussed deficit, but noted that this deficit, usually understood as a budget deficit that future taxpayers would be required to pay, has been misunderstood. It is in fact "a deficit of decency," one that will require relentless censorship to balance. In fact, our children and grandchildren will have to watch thousands of hours of wholesome television shows in order to balance all of the indecent images to which we have been exposed.

Leaders of the vast left-wing conspiracy could not be reached for comment other than to say that Comrade Rock has been punished for so brazenly revealing the inner workings of the Party's plans for promoting the Right to Party. Other members of the left began searching for further means of encouraging indecency and general mayhem, including a proposal to hire fans to shout profanity while attending major sporting events, thus subverting crowd microphones and giving the FCC a massive headache in pursuing the war on indecency.

* All Miller quotations taken from an actual speech delivered on the floor of Congress.

Posted by chuck at February 14, 2004 10:28 PM

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Busted! Guess we'll have to change all the passwords and secret handshakes.

Posted by: mjones at February 15, 2004 11:11 AM

I laughed 'til I cried-- but then I laughed again! Great stuff. You're comped at the Pagan Temple of the Far Left anytime you want to grab a bottle of scotch and watch lots of crotch.

The password this week is "Zellacious."

Posted by: Michael Bérubé at February 15, 2004 10:52 PM

I was *almost* convinced that Zealot Miller was satire-proof. In the words of Homer Simpson, "It's funny because it's true." Of course, it's kind of sad at the same time...

Posted by: chuck at February 15, 2004 11:39 PM

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